It was way funner getting speeding tickets alone

What to know about something that's super un-fun?  It's getting a speeding ticket driving six kids home from the movies.

Everything I was doing was so right:   

I planned an outing for the swim team so swimmers could chill before their evening meet. 

I pretended Cole wasn't going to have any trouble sitting through two hours of movie since at home he can almost make it through a commercial. 

I took three friends along. 

I fed them popcorn for lunch.  

I shared my chemical ridden Diet Coke with Callie when Jackson sat three seats away with his much healthier Sprite.

I shared my popcorn with the neighbor kid who was supposed to share with her sister but her sister wanted to sit with her friends two rows down.  

I kept Cole fairly quiet and his pants dry.  

But... on the ride home I drive past a cop going the opposite direction and he immediately turned around in the middle of the road, lights blaring.  When the kids noticed, I explained.  My sweet neighbor informed me she wasn't buckled.  I very firmly said "buckle and I will spank you for that later."  It took a while to pull over because I was speeding on a two lane road. Longest four minutes of my life.  Longer than waiting for my cervix to dilate unmedicated.  You know how it feels getting pulled over?  Do it with six nervous, excited, sweet children, all with something to say. When the officer asked why I was speeding I explained that I was super anxious to put Cole down for a nap.  It didn't work.  I guess he felt he needed to teach me a lesson about speeding with a car full of precious children.  Lesson learned. Everyone in the car learned a lesson too- Crying would have been more effective.  We all should have cried.    

Now to decide- Pay the ticket or try my luck in traffic court.  My attorney already informed me he isn't showing up for this one.  

Please kind sir. Could you spare me a bit of focus?

After sitting at the table refusing to start his work for 10 minutes, a few broken pencil tips and two small rips in his paper, Jackson brought me his finished math homework.  Most of the problems were wrong. Jackson's good at math.  Every single incorrect answer was due to lack of…wait what's that sound outside? Unanswered problems, unread directions, misread directions… there's a spider web up in the corner I should probably leave because spiders eat the bad bugs. Why in the world would you answer the problem without reading the directions first? How could you skip over problems right in front of your face?  I sent him to his room to refocus because that totally helps distracted people.  Chris took over homework duty after dinner and found one incorrect problem I missed.  Then he flipped the last page and found an entire page of unanswered math problems.  When he questioned us simultaneously I'm pretty sure Jackson and I had the same surprised "uuuuhhhhh" looks on our faces.  Chris is meticulous.  We need him.  But life is way more fun distracted.

The Haircut.

I tell this story all the time. Most often when people ask if I keep Callie's hair short for a reason.  The story goes like this: I was encouraging my kids to become little artists, so for them scissors were easy to come by.  One Sunday morning they got up at the crack of dawn, chopped off most of Callie's hair and crawled in our bed to show off her new do.  They were completely blindsided by our negative reaction.  

And the moral of the story is- Enroll your kids in beauty school before they have access to scissors.  
Jackson sucks at cutting hair.
 

3 years old.  Right when my bald baby started to look like a little girl. 

Like I said, Jackson sucks at hair cutting.

The clean up job.

Two years later.

Unicorns

We just broke the news to Callie that unicorns aren't real.  She's really upset because she had just decided that she wanted unicorn riding lessons instead of horseback riding lessons.  I guess it's back to aspiring to be a regular old cowgirl, especially since Jackson won't use his magic to turn her into a fairy princess.  He's so mean.  

Best Parenting Practices

Punishing your kid before you take a picture is so 2 years ago.  And you're insane if you chastise them before you snap the pic, for they may react and ruin your Facebook gem.

See the cup in Cole's right hand? It's his favorite cup for grabbing a quick sip of water FROM THE TOILET.   But seriously though, where else can he reach his own water.  He's independent.  We are so proud.  

Mischief Managed

          Yesterday in the car Jackson threatened to pull out Callie's wiggly tooth... with magic.  This is a tough one.  I mean, we take threatening seriously, but threatening with magic? I assured Callie that Jackson doesn't have magic.  I know, I know, he's not 11 yet and the Hogwarts letter won't arrive for another 3 summers, but I'm pretty sure this one's a muggle.  Just before I turned the radio back up Jackson leaned forward and quietly said in Callie's ear, "Mom tells you I don't have magic because she doesn't want anyone to know, and she certainly doesn't want me to use it on you."  

Just call me Petunia Dursley. 

Lambert's

It only took me ten minutes to realize I was going to waste my life away trying to come up with a clever title for my blog.  Creative, clever blog titles are just not possible right now...

three reasons:

Jackson- Seven going on 45 year old professor of animal science that is sure he knows more than anyone in the entire world and if there are any other worlds out there… them too.

Callie- Five.  Manipulating everyone and everything around her to make sure it all goes as planned.

Cole- One going on frat boy.

A little more:

Jackson: He wrote a story in school.  It was about a time he found a secret closet with a secret passageway that led to a house identical to his but the mom was "way more fun." As I read it, he looked over my shoulder and said, "I'm not sure why it got an S.  Was it the cruelty to mothers or the picture I drew?" Actually Jackson, it was the fact that nothing is capitalized, periods occur in the middle of sentences and words are missing, but thanks.  

Callie: She was really mad at me tonight because I wouldn't buy her the green mint chocolate chip ice cream.  I will only buy the white mint chocolate chip ice cream.  She was so mad that I wasn't invited to her birthday party.  Then she got home and ate an entire bowl of the ice cream I was uninvited to her birthday party over.  This story might highlight more of my issues than hers, but seriously, green ice cream is just fake. 

Cole:  His best friend is 36, he can't wear one-sees because they restrict access to his beloved belly button and his favorite song is "Eye of the Tiger."  He eats books, cleans rocks in his mouth and throws everything. You can get him to do anything if you promise bubbles.    

I'm not complaining.  They are the most brilliant, good looking people on Earth.  They are just my excuse as to why my blog is titled "Lambert's".